I: INNOCENCE OF THINGS
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CARNIVAL
I look at the blinding lightswith awe in my eyes.
I am gaping at small things:
from the colors of the stalls
to the sounds of people around me.
I am small.
I am clutching my father’s hand,
not letting go.
I am afraid to get lost...
to be lost.
* * *
CAROUSEL
We go to the carousel.
And I laugh loudly as it slowly spins.
"Aren’t you going to ride, daddy?" I ask.
He is standing beside me as I sit on a gigantic giraffe.
He is holding me in place so I would not fall down.
"No, sweetie," my father says.
"I am a grown man and I should play no more.
I am here to watch over you."
He smiles.
And I know, that is the most beautiful smile in the world.
"No, sweetie," my father says.
"I am a grown man and I should play no more.
I am here to watch over you."
He smiles.
And I know, that is the most beautiful smile in the world.
* * *
PLAYROOM
We play.And the more I laugh, the more my tummy aches.
Jumping, I let out my glee.
So many colorful balls around me.
"Careful, sweetie!" my father shouts,
but I am too amused, too happy to care.
In my mind, this is the best day of my life!
* * *
TEDDY BEAR
I am jumping up and down.
My father takes his chance on hitting little toy soldiers
using the little pellet gun a woman hands him.
He pulls the trigger,
and I jump as high as I can.
I am laughing.
I am smiling and cheering.
When he is sure the magazine is empty,
he places the gun down and hugs me.
When he is sure the magazine is empty,
he places the gun down and hugs me.
"This is for you," he hands me the prize the woman give,
"You deserve all the love in the world."
II: DIFFERENT THINGS
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YES, MOMMY
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I am crying because she shouts at me.
"Please do not play outside again.
Nobody is going to look after you."
She says sorry and offers me ice cream.
I smile.
"Let’s play?" she adds,
and I smile wider.
"Please do not play outside again.
Nobody is going to look after you."
She says sorry and offers me ice cream.
I smile.
"Let’s play?" she adds,
and I smile wider.
* * *
IT IS TRUE
"Why are you sad?" I ask my father.
He shakes his head. "Nothing, sweetie. Nothing."
And I nod, believing it is true.
* * *
DINNER
"Delicious!" I almost scream.My father pats my head.
My mother breaks a small smile.
"Finish your meal," she says.
"Not everyone is privileged to put something in their mouth."
I do not understand what she means.
Not until tomorrow.
* * *
BARBIE DOLLS
Balloons touching the ceiling.
A freshly-baked cake that I taste
whenever my mother does not look my way.
Karaoke blaring and everyone is clapping to the tune of
Happy Birthday my uncle picks.
"I wish you a happy life," my father says after I blow the candles.
But at that moment, I wish I have three Barbie dolls.
III: OTHER DIFFERENT THINGS
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TOMORROW
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"Aren’t you gonna eat?" I ask.
My classmate shakes his head.
All of us have lunch on our desks, except him.
"Why?" I am curious.
He shakes his head again.
"Teacher will get angry at you. It is bad not to eat," I say.
I see the terror in his eyes.
"Tell me why," I insist.
He shakes his head and looks at my food.
"I don’t have any," he says, "we don’t have money to buy."
I stare at him, realizing what my mother said that dinner.
My classmate shakes his head.
All of us have lunch on our desks, except him.
"Why?" I am curious.
He shakes his head again.
"Teacher will get angry at you. It is bad not to eat," I say.
I see the terror in his eyes.
"Tell me why," I insist.
He shakes his head and looks at my food.
"I don’t have any," he says, "we don’t have money to buy."
I stare at him, realizing what my mother said that dinner.
* * *
JUST EAT
"This is for you," I hand my classmate the lunch my mother prepared.I begged her to make me two lunchboxes. She knows why. I told her.
My classmate looks at me like I am crazy.
"No," he shakes his head. "That is your lunch."
"No," I say. "This is yours."
His mouth gets slightly open.
"What?" he could not believe it. "Why?"
"Just eat," I say.
When I sense he is going to protest,
I stand up and leave him,
clutching my lunchbox in my hand.
* * *
A BUBBLE
I carry two lunchboxes every day for one year.
For him.Until one day, he disappears.
IV: THE THINGS
PERPETUAL
I shut my door to muffle the screams.Again.
"Who is that woman?" my mother asks my father.
I can always hear through these paper walls.
"She is nothing!" my father answers.
"Just like me, nothing?" my mother cries.
"No," I whisper to myself. "Just like us, mommy."
* * *
UP AND UP
"You know I love you, right?" my father asks."Yes," I answer, nonchalant.
All these questions in my head.
All these tears I hold back.
All these pain I keep for years as I grow up.
But all I can say is yes.
Yes, I know you love me, but I know you also hurt me.
* * *
RESISTANCE
Being with friends in their houses is my new happiness.Going home late is my new happiness.
Skipping meals is my new happiness.
Not until I am lying on my bed at night,
thinking,
this is not happiness at all.
* * *
A BIRD
"Where is your father?" my mother asks me
every single day since my father left.
And every day, I will not answer.
If I open my mouth, all the suppress tears will get unleashed.
Both of us are turning our backs from reality.
We hate it.
every single day since my father left.
And every day, I will not answer.
If I open my mouth, all the suppress tears will get unleashed.
Both of us are turning our backs from reality.
We hate it.
I hate it.
I hate my father.
I hate why he is the reason my mother and I cry every day of our lives.
I hate how he says he loves me, but still left me behind.
I hate my father.
I hate why he is the reason my mother and I cry every day of our lives.
I hate how he says he loves me, but still left me behind.
Sanamawari
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