IS IT OKAY?

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Is it okay, that at this point, I don't know what I should do with my life?

I have been dancing. I have been singing. I have been writing novels. I have been writing poems. I have been a top student. I have been a degree holder. I have been a fur-mom. I have been every single thing I imagined I would be, but none of it sufficed the craving that I long for. A different kind of craving. A craving that is my purpose in life.

Given the things I accomplished, I am not happy. Along the way, achieving those accomplishments brought me joy. . . but it was all temporary. I want to live a life where I am excited to wake up every morning with a smile on my face.

Today. . . it's just not it.

Besides that longing, I don't really have a niche. I don't know what I want or what I am good at exactly. I mean, really good at.

I am such a failure, is it okay?

There was a time I thought I knew exactly what to do with my life. My mind was sound. My heart was full. I thought I finally escaped out of that dark place. . . but, I failed. Every day since I realized I wasn't healed, I keep coming back. Knocking on its door. Begging. . .

I am such a loser, is it okay?

I don't want to live like this.

I don't want to experience these feelings anymore. . . or not having feelings at all.

Please, Father, is it okay to take me away?

Sanamawari