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TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE
August 17, 2021 7:45PM
There's nothing more sad and comforting than reading your best friend's first chat of the day: Ang aga-aga, tinatamad ako mabuhay.
I'm just not in a good place right now and reading her message felt like a blanket to me. We normally joke about depression, death, and suicide like it's just nothing. Nagkabiruan pa kami minsan na someday, makakapag-lap dance kami kay Satanas sa impyerno kapag oras na naming bumaba. Oo, masarap magkaroon ng kaibigan na kasama ko sa madidilim na parte ng buhay ko... pero hindi ba mas masarap kung hindi na namin mararanasan ito?
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mali. Pinilipit ko namang mabuhay, pero sa tuwing gumigising ako sa umaga, tila may malalim na bangin sa loob ng dibdib ko. Walang pera, gamit, tao o karanasan ang makakapagpawala noon. Sa bawat oras na lumilipas, tila lumalalim pa ito hanggang sa pakiramdam ko ay lalamunin na lang ako nito isang araw.
I personally thought of a million scenarios how I could successfully kill myself without the people around me feeling guilty the moment I leave... especially my best friend. Kami na lang dalawa ang nakakaintindi sa isa't isa. Hindi ko maatim isipin na mauuna ako at iiwan ko siya. I acknowledge that there is something wrong with me. I just wish that there is a fast forward button in life so I can skip ahead of the storms.
If ever you're reading this, I'd like to know if you're okay. Tell me.
Sanamawari
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